it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
