I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
