This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
