you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
