I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
