I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
