Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
