how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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