"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
