My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
