She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
