I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
