i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
