I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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