I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
