I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
