i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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