Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Sorry my hands just texted you
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
