I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
