life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I DEMAND FORESKIN
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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