my sisters under your porch take her home
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
