I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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