I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
