I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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