Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
