walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
