i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
