how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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