I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
