I need help removing her.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
