Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Randomize
