I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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