My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
