Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
