oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
