and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
