During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
