Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Randomize
