i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
