I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize