My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
