If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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