Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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