I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
We need to rekindle our bromance
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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