Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm drive I can fine osifer
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
