her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize