Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize