the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
