matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
