Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
