drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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