On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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