You surviving the open bar?
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This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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