If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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