I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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