what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
