just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
