I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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