My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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