I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
