My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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