ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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