Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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