sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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