so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
